Been for-freaking-ever I know...

OK, so I got my tat, it looks terrific..it does actually hang straight, but my arm is crossed across my tummy in the pic, so it looks crooked...and I got us all moved to NC...and we're all settled in, only have a few more boxes to unpack...and we're getting a day to day pattern going...and I've got an appt for R with the ped here to get her started on her meds for the ADHD (which I DID finally get the official diagnosis for right before we moved) in a few weeks, got her registered for school (starts last week in Aug)....and things are okay...

My cousins & aunt & uncle are all popping in or calling every couple of days to make sure we're okay..not so much as to be annoying, but just enough that I know they care...they're really good people and I really think I'm gonna have to keep them hehehe...

I had my niece here with us for a few weeks and that was amazing!! She's never gotten casual affection before and she just soaks it up like the desert in a rainstorm...we didn't do anything really exciting...shopping, went to the beach, my cous' pool, just really hanging out...but it was so much fun and for a little while at least it seemed like this child wasn't constantly focused on worrying about her mom...brought her home, visited with some very very dear friends for an annual cookout which just ROCKED!! Not real wild, not real big, but very good people, very good conversation & a VERY good time...exactly what I needed...

We did back to school clothes shopping today...R's fav item is a pair of sparkly pink Barbie cowgirl boots. Yep, I actually bought her pink cowgirl boots....I'm sure she'll live in them til she's outgrown them and I have to pry her feet out of them LOL...

Once R starts school, I'll be headed over to the local comm. college and speak with the folks there about getting all my ducks in a row & all set up to start my classes in Jan. Planning on becoming a nurse...probably pediatrics...

So, that's all the news for now folks! Sorry it's been so long...I promise I'll try to do better now that things are calming down some...

Another day...

OK, why is it when you're really looking forward to a specific date, the days seem to take longer and longer to pass??? I've got my tattoo appointment for my tribute tat on Saturday..and yesterday took for-freaking-ever!! It's like, okay I'm excited! Cue the slow-mo days!! Grrrr....

I'm pup sitting my parents eldest dog....she's 16....it's interesting to have a dog in the house again...haven't had a dog around all the time for the last 7 years...I've missed it! But I've already spoken with my aunt about that...she's recently gotten a chocolate lab pup and plans to breed her, so I've got first dibs on her first litter....so in about a year, I'll be getting a dog again....which is good, cause the first several months after the move are going to be insane! Getting the house in order, getting R in school, getting myself in school, getting used to living in NC, finding everything in the area that we'll need....hmmm....that's a lot of stuff...maybe I should actually start packing?? Nah! I'll leave that another week or so....

Had a meeting at R's school on Friday...they did the testing her ped asked for and have pretty much ruled out learning disabilities...she scored above average or highly above average on every single area they tested her on....so she's freaking brilliant (big surprise there!) and just needs a little something extra to help her stay focused....now just have to do the child psych thing and we'll get an official diagnosis!!

The M.E.'s office...

They told me when Jeff died that it could take 6-8 weeks for the report to be finalized, before they could tell us what the hell happened to take him away from us. Last week was 2 months, that's 8 weeks, I'm done waiting...

Called them again this morning, finally got some answers...the investigation was closed 2 weeks ago and no one bothered to contact me in any way...even though I'd specifically told them I needed them to call me...must not have been a priority for them that day...

So...the official COD is now...undetermined. Yep, they couldn't find a single thing to point their fingers at and say "this is it"...somehow, it just doesn't work in my head that a healthy 34 yr old man can just drop dead and they can't find SOMETHING to explain it. I know they'd ruled out "foul play" shortly after they started the investigation, but other than that, nothing....

I'll be getting a copy of the report and go over it with family & friends...compile a list of all our questions and then call the doctor that had Jeff's case...to add to the fun, that doc just left on a 3 week vacation, so I'll have to wait til she gets back before I can ask her anything...

I don't know, maybe CSI has just spoiled me, I'm used to watching and see the cases go from someone dead to the bad guy in jail and all the questions answered in an hour..and if you take out the commercials, it's actually like 44 minutes...but here in reality, 8 weeks and they will close the investigation and STILL have no answers...how does this happen???

We were all waiting to be told a heart attack....okay, then we'd at least know...or an embolism...okay, we'd at least know...or SOMETHING, so that we'd at least KNOW....but now? It's not like they can go back and re-examine him, he's cremated! We'll never know what happened to him, never know why he was taken from us....and we'll just have to live with never knowing...and that just plain sucks...

I'm so angry & frustrated...how can they close an investigation without finding out what the hell happened?? If there was at least a reason, it might help...but there isn't....at least not one that I'll ever know...I want to fall apart, but I have to be able to function with my girls...I want to scream & hit something really hard...but that won't do anything, so what's the point? I want to just curl up in bed with all the lights off and the covers over my head...but life has to go on...so what option do I have but to keep going, keep doing the day to day crap, keep moving, keep on...even if that's the last thing I really want to do right now...

After Lori wakes up from her nap, I'm making a wine run...cause tonight I'm drinking, that's for damned sure!!

Things are happening...

So, I took a bit of a break this weekend, had my mom come up and wrangle the minis and I went to hang out with a very special friend of mine that I haven't seen in 2 years...had fun, got drunk...BTW, anyone planning on drinking Red Bull & vodka...either start really early in the day with those or only have 1 or 2..cause by the time we turned in at 5 AM the caffine kicked in and I didn't actually fall asleep til after 9 AM the next morning LOL!!

And I just heard from my aunt that tomorrow she's meeting with my realtor down in NC to look at a few houses for me!! This is really odd for me...I still feel like I'm 18 or 19...and she's doing the pre-lim walk through on houses that I'm looking to buy...that's such a grown-up thing...when the hell did I get to the point where "grown up" could actually apply to me??? I'm really excited to see what she thinks of the places, and just maybe there's a chance that I might be able to get the housing situation all taken care of before the end of the school year...that would make the logistics of the move alot easier!!

Last night I was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette...yep, I started smoking again, but not in the house and not in the car with the kids...and feeling really pretty blue...I'm not used to being alone anymore...and so I came back inside and signed up for Friend Finders...I stressed the point that I'm only looking for friends cause I'm recently widowed with 2 kids and a new relationship is pretty much the LAST thing I want to even think about right now...but I listed my zip code as Vanceboro, NC and that's the area I'm looking in...it would be nice to have a few possible friendships started when I get down there...though I have a feeling that my cousins will make a habit of dropping by with their buddies just to check up on me...I really have no clue if the friend finder thing will work, but at the very least it will give me the arena to rid myself of a bit of social rust...and I'm not dopey enough to give any personal info, so when the month long membership expires I won't have to worry about crazy stalker people finding me LOL...

On one hand, I really want it to be summer so that I can get on with the next phase of my life, whatever that might be...on the other hand, I really don't want to leave the places where I can remember Jeff with us...and at the same time, maybe it would be easier without the reminders around me...I don't know...

I've got a follow up meeting with R's school to go over the more in-depth eval they did at her ped's request, and I've now got a list of child psychologists so that her ped can tell me which he'd like me to bring her to...a step closer to the actual official diagnosis...man, I just want to know what the hell to do from this point...where do we go from here?? I want the not knowing part to be over and to get to the managing part of the program already!!

OK, enough babble..enough ranting...I get to hang out with some very special friends this weekend, very much looking forward to this...but it does mean that at some point I have to vacuum...if only I could remember where I put that thing....hmmmm...maybe time to start the search LOL!!

Something to look forward to..

So, today on MySpace I see a message from an old HS friend of mine, that this weekend he's inviting pals over for drinking & movies & general fun times...now I haven't seen him since right before we moved to CT, actually this August would be 2 years...but we've chatted on and off since then on MySpace and he really was one of my closest & dearest friends in HS and just after...he's just that friend that will always mean something to me, regardless of the fact that we don't keep in touch all that well...

So, I dropped him a note and asked if he would mind me joining the fun if I can get an overnight sitter for the girls...he was really happy to hear from me, but when I mentioned something about Jeff's dying, he had no idea it had happened...I mentioned that I'd blogged about it on MySpace and he said he wasn't subbed to my blog so he hadn't read it til just now...and now he's beating himself up for not being here for me for the last month...I told him that he could make it up to me by sharing a few hugs with me (cause he ALWAYS gave the best hugs ever!) and getting me drunk LOL...now I just have to talk to my mom or MIL about an overnighter...

And as soon as I finish messaging with this pal of mine, I get an email from my MIL about my SIL, who is now going to be getting a pacemaker in the morning...and the last surgery she had, she flatlined on the table, so even something as rutine as a pacemaker is NOT so rutine with her...so I really don't think I should ask my MIL about this weekend...so that leaves my mom...and mom always loved this friend of mine and knows that I have pretty much no social life right now...if she can do it, she will I know....

But now I have to wait til she gets off from work to speak with her (they're not allowed to have their cell phones on while at work) and I HATE waiting for anything...but the fact that I might actually be able to go out and hang with people who knew me before I was with Jeff, who are more used to me as me alone and not as me & Jeff...I really want to go, to see these people I haven't seen in 7 years or more...and if I can't I'm going to be very dissappointed...I might just have to talk to my buddy about maybe getting together another weekend if this one doesn't work out...grrr...I hate waiting!!

I think I'm going to unearth Mom's desk number at work and see if she can talk for a moment....

Been a while...again...

OK...when I started this blog, it was at a friend's request and I told her I was no good at keeping up with these things...and I think my track record of posting once or twice a month has proven that true LOL...

SO! Since my last entry, we had Jeff's sombel (traditional Viking send off, lots of food, alcohol & people who loved him) and it went off wonderfully...that was two weeks ago. It was probably the hardest day I've ever had to get through, with so many people who cared for him coming and telling me how wonderful he was...there were so many people there that i pretty much only spoke to each person for a few minutes and then had to move on to the next group...I feel badly that I didn't spend more time with certain friends, or with the family members who traveled hours from other states, but what's done is done...

After that, I started NutraSystem. I started that this past Monday and as of this morning, I'm down 5 pounds. That's a good start as far as I'm concerned. I'm finding it difficult to eat everything they tell me I'm supposed to eat though...it's funny to me how much more I have to eat to lose weight...

And today was supposed to be my 7th wedding anniversary. I celebrated by doing some major on-line shopping for myself. New clothes, a couple bracelets, stuff that I know I will look good in, that I know I will use, that I normally wouldn't spend the money on (cause it's for me) but that Jeff always would try and push me to buy....and so now I get to wait for the boxes to start arriving!! That'll be fun, opening them and trying everything on.

In the last month, I've completed the two pillows I was making, and of course I mailed them to my friends without taking pictures of them....I've also been working on halter tops for the kids for summer, and I just started a baby set for one of my on-line mommy friends who is expecting her next mini in June...

Today...

I did what I think is the hardest part of all this crap..I went through Jeff's dresser. I cleaned it out...found some nice things to keep for the girls for when they get older...and also discovered that he'd kept alot of the Valentine's Day and Father's Day cards I'd gotten him over the last 7 years...and like a dope I sat and read through them...so of course I was sobbing while I did that...then I went through his private alter and dismantled it. Doing these things hurt...ALOT...and I was blue for the rest of the afternoon...

And then....

The doorbell rang....

And sitting there was a box and an envelope, dropped off by the Fed Ex guy....who was already gunning his engine to make good his escape!! And I brought these items inside, thinking "I didn't order anything!!".....and then I opened the box...and there was a wonderful letter from one of the C'ville ladies explaining that she and another of the Villers had put this package together for us...and that there was something else coming in an envelope...and then I looked underneath the letter and saw...two baby dragons (one was a 2 headed dragon and the other had a string of pretty beads!) that R & L immediately latched on to...and three bags...one had earrings in it for R, one had little rubber duckies in it for L, and one (the biggest one hehehe!) had all sorts of pampering bath-time treats for me...there was also some perfume & body wash in there, and a necklace & bracelet set for R....so much stuff!! Gave the girls their goodies and then I turned to the envelope....and inside is this amazing book on crochet design!! There are alot of patterns in it, but also really good, useable information about how to use the methods shown in those patterns to personalize my own patterns and make things fit better!! Yippee!!! Once things settle a bit more, I'm going to have to incorporate some of these methods into some new designs I've had in mind for a while....totally brightened my day!!

Then I had to hit H&R Block to make an adjustment to our taxes and explain that Jeff had died....another downer for the day, but at least I got that taken care of.....

Now I think I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and eat my Hot Pockets in front of NCIS!!

It IS Tuesday today, right???

One Day at A Time..

My grandmother left for home this morning...I've got today and tomorrow before the next batch of family visits..my BIL, MIL, niece & nephew on Saturday...then possibly my FIL, SIL & her fam on Sunday...then no one til my girlfriend gets here from FL on Thursday....and I'm not exactly sure when my "little brother" Kyle & his fiance Brooke are getting here...

Jeff's boss stopped by today to drop off what his co-workers had put together for us..they took up a collection when he died...people's generosity never fails to amaze me, but in this case I'm completely overwhelmed!! Folks are showing their affection for Jeff by taking care of us, for which I am very grateful...but at the same time, I still feel like I should be giving it back...survivor's guilt maybe?? Obviously I'm not going to insult anyone by trying to return their gift, but I still feel funny accepting it....

Had to take Rascal, our cat, to the vet this afternoon...he has a cyst on his tail that showed up less than a week ago and popped today...scared me!! Vet says he'll be fine, but he needs to stay the night at the vet's and get the site all cleaned up and sutured closed in the morning...Rory was very upset when I took him out...started crying...last time we took one of our cats to the vet he was put down, so I totally understand why she was so upset, especially after Jeff...but he'll be fine and back home tomorrow afternoon...and I'm sure we'll all feel much better once he's home again...

And Lori has decided that nap & bed time is nude time, cause she's started stripping off completely again...I caught her 3 times and I was lucky each time that she hadn't messed her crib....I'm hoping she'll stop soon, but at the same time I know my luck can't hold with the timing, so I keep looking in on her to make sure her clothes are still on...I think I'm gonna be in trouble with her as she gets older...

And so...

It's now 11 days since Jeff died. Yesterday was the first day without someone else in the house, as family members have been taking it round-robin to ensure that I had help if I needed it. And my grandmother is arriving today for a couple of days.

It's odd..after my mom left on Sunday, it was just us three...and it felt like he was just out at the store, or maybe down at his RPG game in Jersey. Like any minute he could just walk through the door and be home and with us again. And I made myself recognize those thoughts and then pull up the memory of seeing him in the hospital after they told me. All day yesterday was the same way...he's just at work, not dead. He'll be calling me right at that moment when everything is going absolutely nuts and want to just hear my voice...Got a call from Rory's principal cause she hit another student..and my first impulse was to hang up with her and then call Jeff at work to share it with him...but I stopped myself before I even pushed the first button, cause I know he won't be there.

I made all the calls to his accounts yesterday. Had to send some faxes, had to mail out a certificate to one account. But at least that's all done. I expected that to be alot more difficult than it was, but no one asked for details of what happened, so I was okay and able to get through it quickly.

I spoke with Rory's ped. yesterday about her ADHD eval. Had to go over all the details that we know about Jeff's death. That was hard! I think having to admit that we still don't know why the hell this happened is what seems to hit the hardest, right in the gut, every time I have to say it. The verdict for the eval?? We need further evaluation! Yet another situation where I still don't know a damned thing! I get that he doesn't want to jump to a label, and that is a good thing, but it's hard to deal with usually and with everything with Jeff it's just gotten more difficult for both Rory and me. So I have to speak with her principal today and let her know what the ped. said.

Got my yarn yesterday, started on the summer outfits for the girls and got 95% of the first halter done for Rory. Let her pick which set I worked on first. Tried it on her this morning and it fits wonderfully.

Spoke with my MIL last night. She and my BIL Rob were compairing notes and they've both had a very sweet scent that they can't place pop up randomly...I had the scent of cinnamon & sugar in my apartment on and off all weekend. All three of us have also had the sound of something falling happen randomly. I chalked the sound up to snow falling off the roof, but my MIL insists that that's not what she and Rob have heard. They think it's Jeff. I think the scent is Jeff. I'm hoping the sound is just snow, cause otherwise it's just too creepy, hearing him fall when he just literally dropped dead like that...

Watched two movies yesterday, The Devil Wears Prada and The Black Dahlia. The first one was good, but I shouldn't have watched the second one right before going to bed...it was just disturbing...

Before sleep last night, I talked to Jeff for the first time since he died. Told him everything that was going on, who's planning (or already gotten) tattoos in tribute to him, what's going on with the girls, all the family stuff....and that I really miss him and don't know how I'm going to do this without him. Finally cried. Didn't get much sleep, but I'm happy that I finally cried some.

Today is another day. Have to clean the cat box & take out the garbage before my grandmother gets here...and I have laundry to fold when Lori naps. Other than that, I'm just going to work on the summer outfits and remember to breathe.

He's gone...

On Friday afternoon, I got the call that no one ever wants to get...my husband, my Jeff...he's gone...found with no pulse, not breathing, worked on by the wonderful stranger who found him, the EMTs, the doctors...they couldn't bring him back to me...and they did an autopsy to find out why he just died at 34...and now he's awaiting his cremation on Tuesday morning...

My parents just left to go home a few hours ago...my aunt flew up from NC and is staying til I tell her to go home...friends and family are calling often to check on me, to offer help and commiseration...I know I will have his mom & aunt here on Tuesday and my folks back on Wed. as well...

I'm alone for the first time since I got that call...and it's still not really hitting me yet...there was the few moments right after the doctor told me he's gone, and since then it's like I'm on auto pilot, trying to think of everything that needs to be taken care of, everyone that needs to be notified, and I've been going from one task to the next and I know I'm in shock...and I'm not actually being strong like so many people have told me I am, but rather that I'm not actually dealing with this at all yet...and recognizing that fact, I'm trying to take care of every thing I can now, cause I have no doubt when the dam breaks, I'm going to be worthless for a while...how long did it take to close Pandora's box once it was opened??

We'll be having a good Viking send off for Jeff in a bit, still in the planning stages...I don't think I'll actually start arranging anything for it til after I have brought him home and made all the calls to the credit cards and student loans and all that...

But then what do I do after all that is done??? What do I do now???

New Quilt-Inspired Squares

OK, so here are my newest quilt-inspired squares. There's the traditional 9 Patch square, the Garden Path square, the Maple Leaf square, and the Star of Hope square...at least those are the names of the quilt squares I saw and based these on...

I still have a bunch more of these square patterns to work up and I can't wait til I have them all finished cause I'm a bit curious to see just exactly how I'm gonna get them all joined together into one blanket...should be interesting to try and figure out!!

OK, so I have some stuff that I've worked up that I haven't posted on here...mostly cause I've been too busy complaining LOL...I'm also still trying to get the pics in the order I think they're going to be posted in, so I hope that the comments are in the same order as the pics...here we go...

First up, a little backpack I made for DD#2, cause she kept stealing Big Sis' schoolbag. Thought it was so cute that I made 3 more (each one in a different color) and listed them on my etsy shop to see if anyone else likes them. And as you can see, DD#2 decided this is a multi-use item that can be either a backpack or a hat!! Kid obviously has inherited my (lack of) fashion sense!!

Next is the baby set I made for a co-worker of DH's...turns out this guy is going to be a daddy for the first time later this year...and when DH checked they were sure it's a girl, but now they're not so sure...so I promised if Baby comes out a boy, I'll just make something else in blue & green instead LOL...

Hang on a sec, I think I have another post coming up in a moment...

I just don't know what to do...

Last week DD#1 had winter break from school...and the week went well til Wednesday evening...then all hell broke loose and it still hasn't gotten back to a good place yet...she also had a snow day yesterday...got her ready and off to school today and saw that the school psychologist's assessment of her has been sitting in her backpack all week. Reading that paperwork was like a punch in the gut. Even though I do believe that she needs outside help, that she probably does have ADD/ADHD, there was still a part of me that almost hoped all it boiled down to was that DH and I would need to just learn some new parenting techniques and we'd deal with it....DD is off the charts in the 'clinically significant' ranges on nearly every single criteria in the evaluation. And this eval was based on independent surveys of DH and I, DD's teachers, and the school psychologist herself. It really isn't just that we're having trouble handling an active 6 yr old...she really is off the charts...and while I am glad that the eval had supported what we've seen at home, it still hurt like hell to read.

The pediatrition's office was closed all last week...I've been trying since Friday to call them to set up an appointment for an eval for her...finally got thru this AM and discovered that they were actually just closed the whole time...very frustrating, cause the outgoing message didn't say a word about it being closed, but whatever...set up the appointment, but it's not until the 9th...which is 2 weeks away...but okay, at least it's all set up. I have to drop off the school's eval paperwork at the ped's office today so that he can review it before I go to see him...the appointment is for me to go solo, not for DD to be there, so I assume he's going to base his eval on the paperwork, what he's seen himself (he did comment last time that she really just doesn't stop moving & talking ever), and what I tell him...so that's at least a step in the right direction...

And just as got DD#2 down for her nap, the phone rings...and it's the school...and it's the principal telling me that DD#1 now has an in school suspension...she told a classmate that she was going to punch him in the eyeball..and when asked why she said that, the only answer she'd give is "I DON'T REMEMBER"...and the principal said that if this continues, this might have to change to an out of school suspension...she's six freaking years old!! We are not violent people that she would have heard something like that at home...we do not let her watch violent programs on TV, or in movies, so it's not something she's seen...I don't know where she's getting this stuff from, or why she thinks this is okay to do...I just don't know what to do...

DH and I need a break..we need some time off, just for ourselves...this is a non-stop battle that we fight every damned day and we're just worn out...but my dad's fighting a bout of celulitous and my mom's taking care of him...his mom is holding his brother together and helping his brother's family deal with our sister in law's injuries and brain condition...and his dad doesn'tdo diapers, sleepovers, or anything of the sort...so we're stuck....

I just want...no I NEED...a couple of days when she holds it together and behaves at least somewhat normally so that I don't get calls from the school, so that we don't have to yell or fight, so that there are no temper tantrums to deal with...but that's just not going to happen now...

So, I'll deal...I'll finish my lunch and comfort myself with my ice cream (which I know is the wrong thing to do for my diet but I can't seem to care right now) and I'll escape into TV fiction and I'll ignore the world until DD#2 gets up from her nap...then I'll take the paperwork to the ped's office and wait til it's time to pick up DD#1 from school...and then I guess I'll just tread water til the 9th....

Pray for us...

Scarf pics

So, here are the pics of the scarves I made for Mom, as well as a couple of close-ups to show off the yarn more. As soon as Dad saw the blue one, he took it for himself. He's also requested that I made him another one, bigger than this one...he wants to pick out the yarn himself, so we'll see when he gets it to me for me to work on it for him. I did both of these in the same stitch, very simple pattern (sc in first st, ch 1, sk 1 st, rep to end) but it works up very quickly and nicely. I'm now making a scarf for DH with RH Super Saver in Aran Fleck using the same pattern and he loves it.

And the pics!!

I know I promised to post pics of the baby sets I did for my mom...so here they are...

The first two are the preemie set that I made for the girl...in the first pic, two little hats and a sweater, all made to fit a 2-3 pound baby. That's a mechanical pencil the the pic with them to give some idea of size. In the second pic is a hooded poncho and matching footed pants, also made for a 2-3 pound baby and just as tiny.

This third one is the original set for the girl..a jacket, hat and carseat blanket. The blanket is off white, light purple and dark purple. The jacket is mostly white (with a silver strand throughout) and has pastel green, pink & blue at the top. The hat is a light blue and had a little off white flower that Mom will be attaching herself for the brim.

The fourth one is the boy's set...two jackets and a car seat blanket. The blanket is red, white & navy blue. The smaller jacket is light blue, and the bigger jacket (it actually fits my 2 yr old DD!) has all 4 colors in it.

I also made a couple of scarves for Mom, one of which Dad stole as soon as he saw it...I'll put up those pics in a minute...

Dropped the ball..

OK, so it's been like three weeks since I posted...I really suck at keeping up with entries like this...

Anyway...let's see..what's going on...the medical conditions in my family haven't changed much at all, so we're still living day to day to see what's going to happen...I feel like I don't want to make plans to do anything ever cause I don't want to have to cancel them or not be home if the worst happens...but at the same time I don't want to continue to exist (as opposed to living my life) just waiting and not doing anything...

I joined a stashbusting group on the Ville...and I'm really kicking tushy there...I've got my regular WW yarns all in one box, with room to spare now! I've got all my POL yarn in one bag, all the Sugar & Creme in another, the wool in a bag, and a bag for thread (which I think I might just give away cause working with it just totally stresses me out)...and one last bag for yarn that I have set aside for a special project...and that's it. I'm actually very proud of myself...I haven't purchased any new yarn for 2 1/2 weeks...and the one time I did buy yarn since I started this stashbusting challenge, it was for that special project, so it was not an impulse buy at all and I only bought what I need for it. I'm doing really well. I also have worked through all the little balls and partial skeins that I had just taking up space, so now they're actually part of something functional, which is great. I've got my next 3 or 4 projects all lined up, plus that special project that I really should work on soon...it's just so much fun to work on these stashbusting things that I've gotten a bit addicted to the 2 or 3 strand items....

Getting very frustrated with DD...I was waiting for the school to get back to us about the survey things that we filled out about her, but I think I'm just going to call the doc and see what the process for her evaluation will be. This is not a decision that we came to lightly, to have her evaluated, but we've tried everything and nothing is helping. She's telling us that no one in her class wants to be her friend because she causes so much trouble in class. She's a very social kid and has always had everyone just adore her on sight, this is really hard for her...she was amazed to find out that folks actually could chose to NOT like her, and now that she feels her whole class is against her, it's hurting her alot. I don't like the thought of her being on meds, but if that's what it takes to help her, to give her the aid she needs to focus a bit more and control the impulses that are leading to trouble, I will do it. I know that ADD/ADHD is a medical condition that needs meds to regulate it. If it were diabetes or a heart condition, I wouldn't hesitate to get her the medical treatment she needs, so why should I ignore the possiblity that this could be the source of the trouble and at least get it checked out? If that's the way her ped says we need to go, we will do it...just have to get the evaluation under way.

I joined a new site (sparkpeople.com) to help with my weight loss journey. I'm aiming at losing at least 75 pounds, of which I've already lost 5. This site is really great and I am very hopeful that it will help me keep on track.

I'm on a new creative kick with those paints that you do on a plastic sheet and then can peal and stick it onto glass...I made a couple of pieces for our front window for V Day today. I also have this long thin window by the front door, so I'm working on making a set of panels that will fit that window and cover it from top to bottom...it's not a curtain but it's better than having nothing there...and the panels are coming out really pretty so far...I've got the top and bottom pieces done and am waiting for a few more things to dry before I do the middle two panels. I'll post pics when I have it all done.

Monday was the 7th anniversary of the day DH propsed to me. Seven years. How is it seven years already?? And at the same time, how is it only seven years that I've had him in my life?? When I sit and look at him and our girls, and the life we've made together, it just amazes me. I am so very blessed. We aren't rolling in cash, we don't live a life without issues, but we are so incredibly blessed to have each other. Every night I thank the Gods that I have the life I have, cause it could have turned out so very differently....

Today is Valentine's Day...and I was woken up with kisses...and I have a pretty new plant from DH and a Disney Princesses Valentine's card from my older DD...and my younger DD is all sorts of snuggly...and in a few hours, DH will be coming home and we're going to snuggle up and watch a movie together tonight after the kiddo's are in bed...life is good.

Been a while...

So, DD is having big problems at school and the principal told us that we wouldn't be wasting our time if we got her evaluated for ADD/ADHD. Legally, no one in the school system can tell us they think she's got ADD/ADHD, because it's a medical diagnosis and none of them are doctors...but she did say that she's noticed DD showing alot of the signs they look for when they are asked to help evaluate a kid's behavior as part of the diagnosis process....so today DD should be bringing home some forms for DH and I to fill out to get the ball rolling on getting her evaluated....things have been very stressful lately...

DH was in Jersey over the weekend for our SIL's fund raiser, and it was a huge success, so that's good...but we're still very worried about our SIL and her health...it's day by day.....

I actually have been so stressed out lately that I did not crochet all weekend...I went 3 whole days without touching yarn or hooks at all...didn't even look at patterns!! When I told DH that, he checked my pulse and touched my forehead to make sure I wasn't sick LOL....but last night I just stood and looked at my stash until a yarn jumped out at me, then I gathered all the skeins of that yarn I have (4 total) and grabbed a hook...didn't really know what I was going to do, just started working on it...and it's turning out pretty well, I think...still not sure if it's going to be a square that I will make multiples of to make a blanket, or if what I've got is just the center of a blanket...but I'm going to continue working on it and we'll see how it turns out...I did have the sense to write out what I was doing, once I realized it was looking pretty, so I should be able to duplicate it again, so that's good....

We finally got snow that stayed on the ground last night. DH had to clean off the cars this morning and the streets in the apartment complex are kind of crummy....but the main roads are clear, so I might venture out tonight in search of the yarn I need to make the second baby set for my mom....depends on how the day goes though I think...

I'm off to work on my new project and maybe translate some of my graphs into line counts....

Poking along...

So, I've got everything for the preemie finished..just have to take a few pics, and a friend I'm visiting tomorrow wants to see some stuff I've made, so I'll bring them with to show her..then the package is off to Mom....

I've done a total of 4 more of my quilt squares, just have to take pics and then I can list them on my etsy site (www.shopjlc.etsy.com) and see what happens with them...I think now that I've got the traditional 9 patch square done, I might list it with the variation square (same thing only with the squares on their points) and adjust the price...it would be my first package offer LOL...I'm already planning on doing a few package deals, but I want to get all the squares up there first....I have 5 more already typed up and ready to test, but I really want to work on something else for a bit....

I've still got the back of that pillow for my friend to do...but honestly, right now I'm a little irked with her and don't really want to do anything for her....she's marrying a very dear friend of mine in November. We've met once and I've been emailing with her on & off since June....but she only emails me when she's upset with him and wants my take on why he's doing something the way he's doing it...I found out she crochets and I had seen this beautiful headpiece that I thought she would like as it's very Pagan and SGA-ish (and she's both!) and it's completely crocheted!! (http://www.theanticraft.com/archive/beltane06/maidensglory.htm) So I emailed her the link...she said she loved it, but isn't up to making that yet as she's just started...I offered to make it for her and mentioned that someone on the 'Ville had said something about using it for the bridal party...and she loved the idea and said she wished she could make them...so I offered to make it for her bridal party....she snapped up the idea, so I told her I'd make a sample one so that she could see it in person before we come down for the wedding, just in case it doesn't work for her in person as well as it does in the picture....so I made one, to fit my own head, using blue for the flowers (she wanted purples for hers) and I told her that this one was mine and a sample for her and to let me know when she got it....several days later I dropped her another email asking did she receive the box?? Still haven't heard from her...I spoke with my very dear friend (her fiance) a few nights ago and asked did she get the box and he said yes....but there was something wrong in his tone, so I asked what was wrong...and he said that she doesn't want them for the wedding...no problem!! Means I don't have to make 5 more of them! I think he was worried that I'd be offended or something, but I'm not...it's her wedding and she should have what she wants. That was the whole point in me making a sample for her first. But the fact that she got it, talked to him about it, apparently showed it to the other gals in the bridal party, and told him what she thought...but didn't bother to contact me...that bugs me. I get that she might have been unsure how to tell me, and I do know him a lot better than I know her...but she asked me to do this and then she put him in the position of having to tell me that she doesn't want it. Just cowardly IMO, and I don't appreciate that she pulled him into it...before this, he had no clue that I was even going to make these things...but when she doesn't want it, she gets him to do the dirty work...not cool...

Yeah, I'm irked....but at the same time, there is yarn that I've used to make this pillow, and there is yarn sitting in the bag for me to make the back from that I won't take to use for anything else til the back is finished...and there is a hook that is attached to the back piece so that I don't have to worry about remembering what size hook I used...I really should just either make the back and finish the darned thing or frog the back piece and do something else with the top piece....just can't think of what else to do with it though.... but I'm not going to work on it now cause I want to do something fun, something other than sc'ing back & forth like I've been doing with these squares of mine!

So, a few weeks ago, I picked up the Knifty Knitter loom sets, both the round & the long ones...today I started a little hat, which I'm hoping is big enough for DD2...if not, I'll just donate it or give it to someone with a younger child than me....I just want to actually MAKE something with them, since I spent the money and they're just sitting there...I love the look & fell of knit but most of the time I just don't have the patience to fight with it, and it is usually a fight for me...maybe when the kids are older I'll have more time to improve my knitting skills, but until then, I think the KK is pretty much the only hope LOL!!

I'm off to make my lunch and then fight with this KK thing....

Still going...

So, I've completed one of the patterns Mom picked out for the preemie...it's so tiny!! Looks too small even for DD's dolls, though I guess when I think of it, the baby IS smaller than the dolls are...but I have to say that seeing so many of these preemie patterns making reference to 'this pattern would be appropriate for burial' just breaks my heart...I know it happens, but it hurts to see it stated so clearly...does that make sense??

We had a scare with my SIL last night, but it turned out to be nothing more than some doctor in the rehab hospital deciding that he wanted her to take up a bed somewhere else...we were given the impression that we'd be lucky if my BIL got to see her alive again, and it was pretty much a false alarm...gotta love people, huh? My BIL has a lawyer who has been doing work for them pro bono if it pertains to my SIL's condition, injury, treatment, whatever...so he'll be contacting the lawyer and then the AMA about this...

Got to play with my yarn yesterday...got most of it still in the box, but I now have all my thread in one bag, all the cotton yarn in another, all the non-acrylic (wool, thick & thin, mohair) in another bag, and all the Pound of Love yarn in another bag...I had no idea I had so much PoL!! I've got at least half a skein of each color (except the purple) that I've seen in my local AC Moore! How did that happen???? Maybe I should just pick up the purple to complete the collection?

I'm expecting to have all the preemie stuff done by the end of the weekend...then I'll send it all off to Momma...along with the regular baby stuff I made for this little one and the scarves I've made in between the baby stuff....I'm just not a scarf person really, and I didn't have enough of these thick & thin yarns for anything else...so Mom & Dad gave me the yarn for Xmas, and now I'm giving Mom the scarves I made from it LOL!!!

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend...the 15th is 7 years to the day that I met DH...and his mother has offered to take the girls for the 3 day weekend...so we'll have DH's game in Jersey, then do our holiday gift exchange with our friends, drop the girls off at Nana's, and come home just the two of us!! Then we can play for a day & a half before going to pick them up again!! I love my kids, but I also really enjoy the time DH and I get to have together just us two...I got preggers so quickly that we really didn't have much time as just a couple before we were a full family and these weekends are like a way to catch up on that couple time...we might even do something crazy like...go see a movie in the movie theater!! GASP!! The last movie we went to see was the 2nd Lord of the Rings movie!!!

Back..

OK, so I'm back to health..at least physically...mentally, I've got no hope!!

Found out yesterday evening that the baby girl whose gifts I've been working on was born early...about 4 months early. Amazingly, she's doing very well. She's basically just tiny. They've even taken her off the ventilator, so she's just breathing the regular room air, which is terrific.

The incredibly brilliant brainstorm I had about making her smock with a bigger yarn...yeah, that didn't work out too well...I got most of the way through making the back of the smock and realized that when I finished it, I would probably be able to get myself into it...not exactly sized for a little one, especially now that she's been born so early.

So, I've got a bunch of preemie patterns bookmarked and will be sending those off to Mom today for her to pick out which she wants me to make from her, and then I'm also going to make at least a couple of hats from me as well...I can't imagine having to leave the hospital no longer pregnant and without your baby in your arms...my heart breaks for her...but the alternative would be so very much worse...

ANYWAY! I've got a few more of my original quilt square type patterns listed this morning on my etsy site (www.shopjlc.etsy.com) and I've got another one already done, just have to take a pic and then I can list that one too...and I'm working on more today...I'll be working on my squares until Mom gets back to me about the preemie patterns. My goal is to get all the quilt-inspired squares done and listed before the summer, so that I can design more stuff. Not letting myself design til all the squares are listed...even if the ideas are keeping me up at night!!

I've told DH that at some point over the next year or so, for one of the holiday/birthday/anniversary events, I'd love for him to get a collection going amongst our family members and have them all buy me an adjustable dress maker's dummy. Cause I'd really love to write out some patterns for clothing that just give the numbers, instead of a million different calculations so that anyone can make the pattern fit themselves....we'll have to see how that works out though...

I'm off to pop my entry from Publisher's Clearing House in the mail and then frog that smock...I'll probably be able to use this same yarn for a preemie pattern or two LOL!!

Still sick

I've been sick for the last 2 days...DH stayed home to take care of the wee ones...and I've been in bed hacking up a lung. Right now, I'm up with the kids, but DH is out doing the laundry and will be sending me back to bed as soon as he's home again...

Crochet-wise, I've been pretty productive...I finished the little blanket for DD2..she's now got it wrapped around her legs while she plays, yesterday she wore it like a cape for hours. I also worked with thick & thin yarn for the first time 2 days ago and made a scarf that will probably go to my mom when I finish the baby set, cause I'm just not a scarf person. But she is and I'm sure she'll love it. I have to take pics yet, but will post them when I do.

So, I have a bit of a decision to make...there is a gal that I have known for about 2 years online, as part of my stay at home mommy group. It's a small group and we had all grown really close for a while, but lately the group seems to have petered off. Well, going back to October or so, this one gal, K, asked me would I make something for her newborn niece, for her to give as a gift. I said of course! What would you like me to make...blanket, jacket, hat, dress, what??? It took about a month to get any sort of reply from her, and when I did the reply was Would you still be willing to make something?...not what she wanted made...so I sent her about 15 different links to patterns online for her to chose from...getting her to decide what she wanted was like pulling teeth, but as soon as she made the decision, I told her a ball park number for what it would cost me to buy the yarn and hit the stores to pick it up...I actually got a better price than I quoted her, so I messaged her again and told her what I'd spent and asked her to paypal it to me, plus $3 for shipping..and I asked her where it was being mailed to. That same day, I made the entire sweater and the hat she wanted, because it was now nearly Thanksgiving and I knew she wanted it for a holiday gift. Messaged her when I finished, asked for the addy again and reminded her about the paypal....and she had offered to pay me for my time too, but I told her just to cover my expenses and the postage and I'd be happy....two weeks went by, and I posted pics of the finished set on the mommy's group to try and nudge her, in case she'd forgotten, without being a nag. She emailed me with her sister's addy for me to mail to...I told her I couldn't mail it out without her paypaling me...she said she understood....I pointed out that at this point I wasn't sure the package would arrive in time for the holiday...a few days later she told me she paypaled me, that her cc was charged, but that the transaction, when she looks it up, shows as unclaimed. So I contacted paypal and was told that I can't claim an unclaimed payment, that I have to wait 30 days for the transaction to automatically reverse itself, and then she can pay me again. OK...so I did mail out the present, and I paid for the rush shipping needed to get it there for the holiday...and I told her I would wait for the payment so that she didn't have to pay for it twice....OK, fine. About a week after Xmas, I emailed her and asked if the package arrived in time for the holiday. I still haven't heard back from her....not even a thank you for doing this for me! I'm more than a bit upset by her rudeness and her being so lazy about getting back to me when I was doing this for her....and she's just now posted on the group that she's expecting. Now, every one of the babies born to the mommies in the group have something that I made...at least the ones that have been born since the group started. And I have always included a little something for the older sibs of the new baby too, just to make sure no one gets left out. I made matching halter tops for all the daughters in the group this past summer. Do I still have to make something for K's new baby?? I really don't ever want to make anything for her again....actually I've been thinking about leaving the group since no one seems to be posting lately, but I don't want to leave the group until I actually get paid for this sweater set!! Do I have to make something for this woman's baby?? I can't decide...maybe I will offer just to keep the peace, but I really don't want to!!!

Ah HA!!

I had a great idea last night!! This smock is mocking me...I don't want to work on it, therefore I probably will never actually finish it...at least not before the baby is actually born. Then I thought to use DH yarn with a C hook, as per the directions for the jacket I just made for the same baby!! WONDERFUL!!!! By using the bigger yarn & hook, and following the directions as written for the smaller size (0-5 months) for the smock, I'll wind up with a finished smock roughly sized for 6-12 months or so....and it's working up SOOO much faster!!! I've worked on it using the new yarn for 2 hrs and 40 minutes today...and I'm nearly half done with the back already!! And I spoke with Mom today about this change .... I thought she might be upset about it, but she said I was clever to think of it....and we've gone over the patterns for the second baby set I'll be making for her and we've figured out how I can make them all in WW yarn!! I love it!! Those won't take me but a week to make, start to finish!! Yippee!!!

I'm definately getting sick now...got that itchy feeling in my eyes that tells me I'm going to get a fever soon...my throat is all scratchy and my voice is nearly gone..I feel terrible...but at least now I know this smock will be finished much sooner than I originally thought!!!

Today I got a call from my daughter's school...apparently she cussed at another student and then called him stupid...and then gave the teacher attitude and refused to do her work...yeah, we're going to have a nice long chat when she gets home. DH also wants to have a talk with her when he gets home....and then he and I are going to make a very concerted effort to watch our language as well, just to be sure that she sees us not cussing either....I don't know what happened to my sweet little girl who used to charm everyone and was most concerned about getting everyone to like her....this kid this school year has just been in trouble for one thing after another...and we just don't know why...we talk to her about it every time, we explain why what she did is unacceptable, we tell her what she should do instead of what she did if she's ever in the same situation again...but her attitude has just gone thru the roof these last 4 or 5 months and nothing seems to work for longer than a week or so....

And to add to the fun, as soon as I was literally buried under yarn this morning (I was looking for a yarn I knew I had and had to dig thru my stash for it), the little one picked up the 1/4 full bag of cat food and dumped it all over my bedroom floor...so I got to fight with the vacuum too....I really can't wait til DH gets home tonight...he's already promised that he'd get the kids fed & in bed and then he's going to get me some medicine and I'm going to sleep....I could so just lay down right now and not move for a few days....but knowing me, I'll be back to crochet in another hour or so!!

The New Year

OK...so today I got a break...both DH and my older DD went back to their usual routines and I got to get back to mine. After getting DD off to school, I hit the grocery store with the little one, then back home...and I decided that I have to do something besides this smock for my mom's co-work...that yarn is just so little, it's making me crazy!! Of course, I'll still do it, but that doesn't mean I won't complain, just a little, while I do it. I've finished everything else for this baby set, but the smock seems to take forever just to see a bit of difference. Good thing I told Mom I'd have the set done before the end of January, cause this smock is going to take forever!!

So, to save my sanity and give myself some instant satisfaction, I worked on some of my own patterns...the quilt squares. I started with just over 60 classic quilt squares that I loved the look of and thought I could translate into crochet....love the look of quilts and the tradition of them, but my sewing machine has me completely intimidated, so now I think I can actually make quilt-looking things!! Yay me! OK, so I've got a few of the finished, tested, and completed squares up on my etsy shop....but I still have so many more that I have all written up, just have to actually make them to test the patterns and then take pics of them before I can list them....and I'm thinking that once I get them all ready to list, I'm going to offer groups of the patterns for themed blankets, or squares that look good together....but first I have to get them finished....

And I also know that unless I make myself focus on these squares, I will keep running with the ideas that pop into my head and keep me from sleeping...and then all the work I put into these squares will be for nothing...so I've given myself the goal of getting all the squares made up & ready for listing by the end of June. Then I will allow myself to work on the patterns that are becoming an obsession for me. I am going to continue to write down my ideas, sketch them up, jot down basic concept info...but that's it. I want to get the rest of the finished patterns worked up first.

So, today I got 2 squares worked up. Tonight I'll work on the smock. I'll probably stick with that sort of schedule...do the squares during the day and the smock at night...or vice versa....it's the only way I'll get things done...and the squares will help me feel that I'm actually accomplishing something cause that smock sure won't til I finish it!!

And today, even though I've now caught the cold the girls have been dealing with for the last 2 weeks, I started my workout program. I did the 1 Mile workout from Walk Away the Pounds, and then did the abdominal workout that DH set up for me. When he set up his own exercise program and actually stick with it, his results were amazing...so I'm hoping they at least help me with losing weight and toning up some...whatever I get, I'll be happy with cause it's better than what I'm doing now...or at least better than what I was doing up until today. I will be walking at least 1 mile a day, then doing a workout targeting one body area on every weekday. Weekends I have off. I'm aiming to lose 5 pounds a month...just about 75 pounds total I think....I've already lost 2.5 pounds and I'm determined to lose more and get in better shape...I've been saying this for years, but I'm just so tired of hurting and hating the way I look. I hate to see pictures of myself. I hate to look in the mirror. And I HATE shopping for clothes!!! With a passion!! I just want to get down to a 12/14 and I'll be thrilled...my brain can't really conceive of me being any smaller than that LOL!! The last time I wore a size 12, I was 12 years old. I have this outfit that I bought, just a pair of jeans and a tee shirt, but they're in size 12/14. This is my goal outfit. I am determined that I will be able to wear that outfit by November 2007...before my friend's wedding. I'd love to go back to North Carolina and just shock everyone with my new look!!

Anyway, enough babbling....suffice to say that I'm very proud of myself for getting started. I'm off to deal with the munchkins now and maybe start another of my squares....