Today...

I did what I think is the hardest part of all this crap..I went through Jeff's dresser. I cleaned it out...found some nice things to keep for the girls for when they get older...and also discovered that he'd kept alot of the Valentine's Day and Father's Day cards I'd gotten him over the last 7 years...and like a dope I sat and read through them...so of course I was sobbing while I did that...then I went through his private alter and dismantled it. Doing these things hurt...ALOT...and I was blue for the rest of the afternoon...

And then....

The doorbell rang....

And sitting there was a box and an envelope, dropped off by the Fed Ex guy....who was already gunning his engine to make good his escape!! And I brought these items inside, thinking "I didn't order anything!!".....and then I opened the box...and there was a wonderful letter from one of the C'ville ladies explaining that she and another of the Villers had put this package together for us...and that there was something else coming in an envelope...and then I looked underneath the letter and saw...two baby dragons (one was a 2 headed dragon and the other had a string of pretty beads!) that R & L immediately latched on to...and three bags...one had earrings in it for R, one had little rubber duckies in it for L, and one (the biggest one hehehe!) had all sorts of pampering bath-time treats for me...there was also some perfume & body wash in there, and a necklace & bracelet set for R....so much stuff!! Gave the girls their goodies and then I turned to the envelope....and inside is this amazing book on crochet design!! There are alot of patterns in it, but also really good, useable information about how to use the methods shown in those patterns to personalize my own patterns and make things fit better!! Yippee!!! Once things settle a bit more, I'm going to have to incorporate some of these methods into some new designs I've had in mind for a while....totally brightened my day!!

Then I had to hit H&R Block to make an adjustment to our taxes and explain that Jeff had died....another downer for the day, but at least I got that taken care of.....

Now I think I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and eat my Hot Pockets in front of NCIS!!

It IS Tuesday today, right???

One Day at A Time..

My grandmother left for home this morning...I've got today and tomorrow before the next batch of family visits..my BIL, MIL, niece & nephew on Saturday...then possibly my FIL, SIL & her fam on Sunday...then no one til my girlfriend gets here from FL on Thursday....and I'm not exactly sure when my "little brother" Kyle & his fiance Brooke are getting here...

Jeff's boss stopped by today to drop off what his co-workers had put together for us..they took up a collection when he died...people's generosity never fails to amaze me, but in this case I'm completely overwhelmed!! Folks are showing their affection for Jeff by taking care of us, for which I am very grateful...but at the same time, I still feel like I should be giving it back...survivor's guilt maybe?? Obviously I'm not going to insult anyone by trying to return their gift, but I still feel funny accepting it....

Had to take Rascal, our cat, to the vet this afternoon...he has a cyst on his tail that showed up less than a week ago and popped today...scared me!! Vet says he'll be fine, but he needs to stay the night at the vet's and get the site all cleaned up and sutured closed in the morning...Rory was very upset when I took him out...started crying...last time we took one of our cats to the vet he was put down, so I totally understand why she was so upset, especially after Jeff...but he'll be fine and back home tomorrow afternoon...and I'm sure we'll all feel much better once he's home again...

And Lori has decided that nap & bed time is nude time, cause she's started stripping off completely again...I caught her 3 times and I was lucky each time that she hadn't messed her crib....I'm hoping she'll stop soon, but at the same time I know my luck can't hold with the timing, so I keep looking in on her to make sure her clothes are still on...I think I'm gonna be in trouble with her as she gets older...

And so...

It's now 11 days since Jeff died. Yesterday was the first day without someone else in the house, as family members have been taking it round-robin to ensure that I had help if I needed it. And my grandmother is arriving today for a couple of days.

It's odd..after my mom left on Sunday, it was just us three...and it felt like he was just out at the store, or maybe down at his RPG game in Jersey. Like any minute he could just walk through the door and be home and with us again. And I made myself recognize those thoughts and then pull up the memory of seeing him in the hospital after they told me. All day yesterday was the same way...he's just at work, not dead. He'll be calling me right at that moment when everything is going absolutely nuts and want to just hear my voice...Got a call from Rory's principal cause she hit another student..and my first impulse was to hang up with her and then call Jeff at work to share it with him...but I stopped myself before I even pushed the first button, cause I know he won't be there.

I made all the calls to his accounts yesterday. Had to send some faxes, had to mail out a certificate to one account. But at least that's all done. I expected that to be alot more difficult than it was, but no one asked for details of what happened, so I was okay and able to get through it quickly.

I spoke with Rory's ped. yesterday about her ADHD eval. Had to go over all the details that we know about Jeff's death. That was hard! I think having to admit that we still don't know why the hell this happened is what seems to hit the hardest, right in the gut, every time I have to say it. The verdict for the eval?? We need further evaluation! Yet another situation where I still don't know a damned thing! I get that he doesn't want to jump to a label, and that is a good thing, but it's hard to deal with usually and with everything with Jeff it's just gotten more difficult for both Rory and me. So I have to speak with her principal today and let her know what the ped. said.

Got my yarn yesterday, started on the summer outfits for the girls and got 95% of the first halter done for Rory. Let her pick which set I worked on first. Tried it on her this morning and it fits wonderfully.

Spoke with my MIL last night. She and my BIL Rob were compairing notes and they've both had a very sweet scent that they can't place pop up randomly...I had the scent of cinnamon & sugar in my apartment on and off all weekend. All three of us have also had the sound of something falling happen randomly. I chalked the sound up to snow falling off the roof, but my MIL insists that that's not what she and Rob have heard. They think it's Jeff. I think the scent is Jeff. I'm hoping the sound is just snow, cause otherwise it's just too creepy, hearing him fall when he just literally dropped dead like that...

Watched two movies yesterday, The Devil Wears Prada and The Black Dahlia. The first one was good, but I shouldn't have watched the second one right before going to bed...it was just disturbing...

Before sleep last night, I talked to Jeff for the first time since he died. Told him everything that was going on, who's planning (or already gotten) tattoos in tribute to him, what's going on with the girls, all the family stuff....and that I really miss him and don't know how I'm going to do this without him. Finally cried. Didn't get much sleep, but I'm happy that I finally cried some.

Today is another day. Have to clean the cat box & take out the garbage before my grandmother gets here...and I have laundry to fold when Lori naps. Other than that, I'm just going to work on the summer outfits and remember to breathe.

He's gone...

On Friday afternoon, I got the call that no one ever wants to get...my husband, my Jeff...he's gone...found with no pulse, not breathing, worked on by the wonderful stranger who found him, the EMTs, the doctors...they couldn't bring him back to me...and they did an autopsy to find out why he just died at 34...and now he's awaiting his cremation on Tuesday morning...

My parents just left to go home a few hours ago...my aunt flew up from NC and is staying til I tell her to go home...friends and family are calling often to check on me, to offer help and commiseration...I know I will have his mom & aunt here on Tuesday and my folks back on Wed. as well...

I'm alone for the first time since I got that call...and it's still not really hitting me yet...there was the few moments right after the doctor told me he's gone, and since then it's like I'm on auto pilot, trying to think of everything that needs to be taken care of, everyone that needs to be notified, and I've been going from one task to the next and I know I'm in shock...and I'm not actually being strong like so many people have told me I am, but rather that I'm not actually dealing with this at all yet...and recognizing that fact, I'm trying to take care of every thing I can now, cause I have no doubt when the dam breaks, I'm going to be worthless for a while...how long did it take to close Pandora's box once it was opened??

We'll be having a good Viking send off for Jeff in a bit, still in the planning stages...I don't think I'll actually start arranging anything for it til after I have brought him home and made all the calls to the credit cards and student loans and all that...

But then what do I do after all that is done??? What do I do now???

New Quilt-Inspired Squares

OK, so here are my newest quilt-inspired squares. There's the traditional 9 Patch square, the Garden Path square, the Maple Leaf square, and the Star of Hope square...at least those are the names of the quilt squares I saw and based these on...

I still have a bunch more of these square patterns to work up and I can't wait til I have them all finished cause I'm a bit curious to see just exactly how I'm gonna get them all joined together into one blanket...should be interesting to try and figure out!!

OK, so I have some stuff that I've worked up that I haven't posted on here...mostly cause I've been too busy complaining LOL...I'm also still trying to get the pics in the order I think they're going to be posted in, so I hope that the comments are in the same order as the pics...here we go...

First up, a little backpack I made for DD#2, cause she kept stealing Big Sis' schoolbag. Thought it was so cute that I made 3 more (each one in a different color) and listed them on my etsy shop to see if anyone else likes them. And as you can see, DD#2 decided this is a multi-use item that can be either a backpack or a hat!! Kid obviously has inherited my (lack of) fashion sense!!

Next is the baby set I made for a co-worker of DH's...turns out this guy is going to be a daddy for the first time later this year...and when DH checked they were sure it's a girl, but now they're not so sure...so I promised if Baby comes out a boy, I'll just make something else in blue & green instead LOL...

Hang on a sec, I think I have another post coming up in a moment...