And so...

It's now 11 days since Jeff died. Yesterday was the first day without someone else in the house, as family members have been taking it round-robin to ensure that I had help if I needed it. And my grandmother is arriving today for a couple of days.

It's odd..after my mom left on Sunday, it was just us three...and it felt like he was just out at the store, or maybe down at his RPG game in Jersey. Like any minute he could just walk through the door and be home and with us again. And I made myself recognize those thoughts and then pull up the memory of seeing him in the hospital after they told me. All day yesterday was the same way...he's just at work, not dead. He'll be calling me right at that moment when everything is going absolutely nuts and want to just hear my voice...Got a call from Rory's principal cause she hit another student..and my first impulse was to hang up with her and then call Jeff at work to share it with him...but I stopped myself before I even pushed the first button, cause I know he won't be there.

I made all the calls to his accounts yesterday. Had to send some faxes, had to mail out a certificate to one account. But at least that's all done. I expected that to be alot more difficult than it was, but no one asked for details of what happened, so I was okay and able to get through it quickly.

I spoke with Rory's ped. yesterday about her ADHD eval. Had to go over all the details that we know about Jeff's death. That was hard! I think having to admit that we still don't know why the hell this happened is what seems to hit the hardest, right in the gut, every time I have to say it. The verdict for the eval?? We need further evaluation! Yet another situation where I still don't know a damned thing! I get that he doesn't want to jump to a label, and that is a good thing, but it's hard to deal with usually and with everything with Jeff it's just gotten more difficult for both Rory and me. So I have to speak with her principal today and let her know what the ped. said.

Got my yarn yesterday, started on the summer outfits for the girls and got 95% of the first halter done for Rory. Let her pick which set I worked on first. Tried it on her this morning and it fits wonderfully.

Spoke with my MIL last night. She and my BIL Rob were compairing notes and they've both had a very sweet scent that they can't place pop up randomly...I had the scent of cinnamon & sugar in my apartment on and off all weekend. All three of us have also had the sound of something falling happen randomly. I chalked the sound up to snow falling off the roof, but my MIL insists that that's not what she and Rob have heard. They think it's Jeff. I think the scent is Jeff. I'm hoping the sound is just snow, cause otherwise it's just too creepy, hearing him fall when he just literally dropped dead like that...

Watched two movies yesterday, The Devil Wears Prada and The Black Dahlia. The first one was good, but I shouldn't have watched the second one right before going to bed...it was just disturbing...

Before sleep last night, I talked to Jeff for the first time since he died. Told him everything that was going on, who's planning (or already gotten) tattoos in tribute to him, what's going on with the girls, all the family stuff....and that I really miss him and don't know how I'm going to do this without him. Finally cried. Didn't get much sleep, but I'm happy that I finally cried some.

Today is another day. Have to clean the cat box & take out the garbage before my grandmother gets here...and I have laundry to fold when Lori naps. Other than that, I'm just going to work on the summer outfits and remember to breathe.