Yet again...been too long...

OK, so I guess I'm averaging a post every 3-4 months, huh...still, even going by that timetable, I'm late for this one LOL!!

OK....so we're all doing really really well. I've met a wonderful man, AJ. We've been together since late August and he's amazing. He makes me so happy and my girls adore him. He's got a 10 yr old son, and the kid is just as great as the guy....we've met his family, he's met my family...and I think his son is going to come with me 7 my clan to the aquarium today, so that'll be really cool. AJ and I have been living together for a little while and he proposed to me as the ball dropped on New Year's Eve. My BIL, FIL, niece & nephew have all met him and like him...I've gotten their blessings on the wedding and both my niece & nephew are going to be in my bridal party.

The only person who could not deal with me moving on with my life is my MIL. I went back to Jersey to visit in October and immediately after I left, she started trashtalking about AJ and about me to my niece, who was upset enough to talk to her dad about it. He called me, filled me in on what was said, and I called my MIL and nailed her for it. She and I haven't really spoken much since then. I un-invited her for Thanksgiving. I did send her pics on the computer of the girls in the sweaters she made them fox Xmas ( I know how much time it takes to make things like that and I wasn't going to be a bitch about it). I just recently got the copy of the coronor's report on Jeff and when I asked my BIL if he wanted a copy, he said my MIL had received it months ago and just never told me. At this point, with the things that have been said, and the thought processes revealed by those comments, I want nothing to do with the woman. I will still make trips up to Jersey, and I will drop the girls off with her, but I am not going to deal with her. She is their grandmother and I will not keep her from them, but I see no need to subject myself to her crap. She is understandably hurting about Jeff, but she seems to think that because I actually DEAL with my pain and don't wallow in it like her, I obviously never cared for him. I've already let her know not to expect an invite to the wedding.

So that is the single cloud on my horizon right now. I decided not to go back to school...I just don't think I'm at a place in my life that I can deal with being a student again. I did find a local shop that will sell my crochet items on consignment, so that's great. R is doing wonderfully in school and, no that we've got the right meds going for her, has had very little disciplinary issues at her school. Now it's just to usual stuff that goes with having a very smart & articulate kid. L just started daycare a few weeks ago, and is loving going to see all her new friends every day. We're working on potty training and everything is going well. I've got 2 dogs now...Nova is a lab/shepard mix and Brin is a Boston terrier...it's really cute. They remind me of those commercials from the 80's with the big dog going "I'm a lucky dog" and the little yippy dog jumping back & forth over big dog's back...watching these two play is just hysterical.

We bought a bigger house to accomodate AJ's son, as well as my niece who plans to attend college here in NC, and we'll be moving in there in a month or two.

And now I have to get R ready for our trip to the aquarium...I have some of my older cousins & their kids down from Long Island, and there is no school for R today, so we're all going out to hang & have some fun!!

Been for-freaking-ever I know...

OK, so I got my tat, it looks terrific..it does actually hang straight, but my arm is crossed across my tummy in the pic, so it looks crooked...and I got us all moved to NC...and we're all settled in, only have a few more boxes to unpack...and we're getting a day to day pattern going...and I've got an appt for R with the ped here to get her started on her meds for the ADHD (which I DID finally get the official diagnosis for right before we moved) in a few weeks, got her registered for school (starts last week in Aug)....and things are okay...

My cousins & aunt & uncle are all popping in or calling every couple of days to make sure we're okay..not so much as to be annoying, but just enough that I know they care...they're really good people and I really think I'm gonna have to keep them hehehe...

I had my niece here with us for a few weeks and that was amazing!! She's never gotten casual affection before and she just soaks it up like the desert in a rainstorm...we didn't do anything really exciting...shopping, went to the beach, my cous' pool, just really hanging out...but it was so much fun and for a little while at least it seemed like this child wasn't constantly focused on worrying about her mom...brought her home, visited with some very very dear friends for an annual cookout which just ROCKED!! Not real wild, not real big, but very good people, very good conversation & a VERY good time...exactly what I needed...

We did back to school clothes shopping today...R's fav item is a pair of sparkly pink Barbie cowgirl boots. Yep, I actually bought her pink cowgirl boots....I'm sure she'll live in them til she's outgrown them and I have to pry her feet out of them LOL...

Once R starts school, I'll be headed over to the local comm. college and speak with the folks there about getting all my ducks in a row & all set up to start my classes in Jan. Planning on becoming a nurse...probably pediatrics...

So, that's all the news for now folks! Sorry it's been so long...I promise I'll try to do better now that things are calming down some...

Another day...

OK, why is it when you're really looking forward to a specific date, the days seem to take longer and longer to pass??? I've got my tattoo appointment for my tribute tat on Saturday..and yesterday took for-freaking-ever!! It's like, okay I'm excited! Cue the slow-mo days!! Grrrr....

I'm pup sitting my parents eldest dog....she's 16....it's interesting to have a dog in the house again...haven't had a dog around all the time for the last 7 years...I've missed it! But I've already spoken with my aunt about that...she's recently gotten a chocolate lab pup and plans to breed her, so I've got first dibs on her first litter....so in about a year, I'll be getting a dog again....which is good, cause the first several months after the move are going to be insane! Getting the house in order, getting R in school, getting myself in school, getting used to living in NC, finding everything in the area that we'll need....hmmm....that's a lot of stuff...maybe I should actually start packing?? Nah! I'll leave that another week or so....

Had a meeting at R's school on Friday...they did the testing her ped asked for and have pretty much ruled out learning disabilities...she scored above average or highly above average on every single area they tested her on....so she's freaking brilliant (big surprise there!) and just needs a little something extra to help her stay focused....now just have to do the child psych thing and we'll get an official diagnosis!!

The M.E.'s office...

They told me when Jeff died that it could take 6-8 weeks for the report to be finalized, before they could tell us what the hell happened to take him away from us. Last week was 2 months, that's 8 weeks, I'm done waiting...

Called them again this morning, finally got some answers...the investigation was closed 2 weeks ago and no one bothered to contact me in any way...even though I'd specifically told them I needed them to call me...must not have been a priority for them that day...

So...the official COD is now...undetermined. Yep, they couldn't find a single thing to point their fingers at and say "this is it"...somehow, it just doesn't work in my head that a healthy 34 yr old man can just drop dead and they can't find SOMETHING to explain it. I know they'd ruled out "foul play" shortly after they started the investigation, but other than that, nothing....

I'll be getting a copy of the report and go over it with family & friends...compile a list of all our questions and then call the doctor that had Jeff's case...to add to the fun, that doc just left on a 3 week vacation, so I'll have to wait til she gets back before I can ask her anything...

I don't know, maybe CSI has just spoiled me, I'm used to watching and see the cases go from someone dead to the bad guy in jail and all the questions answered in an hour..and if you take out the commercials, it's actually like 44 minutes...but here in reality, 8 weeks and they will close the investigation and STILL have no answers...how does this happen???

We were all waiting to be told a heart attack....okay, then we'd at least know...or an embolism...okay, we'd at least know...or SOMETHING, so that we'd at least KNOW....but now? It's not like they can go back and re-examine him, he's cremated! We'll never know what happened to him, never know why he was taken from us....and we'll just have to live with never knowing...and that just plain sucks...

I'm so angry & frustrated...how can they close an investigation without finding out what the hell happened?? If there was at least a reason, it might help...but there isn't....at least not one that I'll ever know...I want to fall apart, but I have to be able to function with my girls...I want to scream & hit something really hard...but that won't do anything, so what's the point? I want to just curl up in bed with all the lights off and the covers over my head...but life has to go on...so what option do I have but to keep going, keep doing the day to day crap, keep moving, keep on...even if that's the last thing I really want to do right now...

After Lori wakes up from her nap, I'm making a wine run...cause tonight I'm drinking, that's for damned sure!!

Things are happening...

So, I took a bit of a break this weekend, had my mom come up and wrangle the minis and I went to hang out with a very special friend of mine that I haven't seen in 2 years...had fun, got drunk...BTW, anyone planning on drinking Red Bull & vodka...either start really early in the day with those or only have 1 or 2..cause by the time we turned in at 5 AM the caffine kicked in and I didn't actually fall asleep til after 9 AM the next morning LOL!!

And I just heard from my aunt that tomorrow she's meeting with my realtor down in NC to look at a few houses for me!! This is really odd for me...I still feel like I'm 18 or 19...and she's doing the pre-lim walk through on houses that I'm looking to buy...that's such a grown-up thing...when the hell did I get to the point where "grown up" could actually apply to me??? I'm really excited to see what she thinks of the places, and just maybe there's a chance that I might be able to get the housing situation all taken care of before the end of the school year...that would make the logistics of the move alot easier!!

Last night I was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette...yep, I started smoking again, but not in the house and not in the car with the kids...and feeling really pretty blue...I'm not used to being alone anymore...and so I came back inside and signed up for Friend Finders...I stressed the point that I'm only looking for friends cause I'm recently widowed with 2 kids and a new relationship is pretty much the LAST thing I want to even think about right now...but I listed my zip code as Vanceboro, NC and that's the area I'm looking in...it would be nice to have a few possible friendships started when I get down there...though I have a feeling that my cousins will make a habit of dropping by with their buddies just to check up on me...I really have no clue if the friend finder thing will work, but at the very least it will give me the arena to rid myself of a bit of social rust...and I'm not dopey enough to give any personal info, so when the month long membership expires I won't have to worry about crazy stalker people finding me LOL...

On one hand, I really want it to be summer so that I can get on with the next phase of my life, whatever that might be...on the other hand, I really don't want to leave the places where I can remember Jeff with us...and at the same time, maybe it would be easier without the reminders around me...I don't know...

I've got a follow up meeting with R's school to go over the more in-depth eval they did at her ped's request, and I've now got a list of child psychologists so that her ped can tell me which he'd like me to bring her to...a step closer to the actual official diagnosis...man, I just want to know what the hell to do from this point...where do we go from here?? I want the not knowing part to be over and to get to the managing part of the program already!!

OK, enough babble..enough ranting...I get to hang out with some very special friends this weekend, very much looking forward to this...but it does mean that at some point I have to vacuum...if only I could remember where I put that thing....hmmmm...maybe time to start the search LOL!!

Something to look forward to..

So, today on MySpace I see a message from an old HS friend of mine, that this weekend he's inviting pals over for drinking & movies & general fun times...now I haven't seen him since right before we moved to CT, actually this August would be 2 years...but we've chatted on and off since then on MySpace and he really was one of my closest & dearest friends in HS and just after...he's just that friend that will always mean something to me, regardless of the fact that we don't keep in touch all that well...

So, I dropped him a note and asked if he would mind me joining the fun if I can get an overnight sitter for the girls...he was really happy to hear from me, but when I mentioned something about Jeff's dying, he had no idea it had happened...I mentioned that I'd blogged about it on MySpace and he said he wasn't subbed to my blog so he hadn't read it til just now...and now he's beating himself up for not being here for me for the last month...I told him that he could make it up to me by sharing a few hugs with me (cause he ALWAYS gave the best hugs ever!) and getting me drunk LOL...now I just have to talk to my mom or MIL about an overnighter...

And as soon as I finish messaging with this pal of mine, I get an email from my MIL about my SIL, who is now going to be getting a pacemaker in the morning...and the last surgery she had, she flatlined on the table, so even something as rutine as a pacemaker is NOT so rutine with her...so I really don't think I should ask my MIL about this weekend...so that leaves my mom...and mom always loved this friend of mine and knows that I have pretty much no social life right now...if she can do it, she will I know....

But now I have to wait til she gets off from work to speak with her (they're not allowed to have their cell phones on while at work) and I HATE waiting for anything...but the fact that I might actually be able to go out and hang with people who knew me before I was with Jeff, who are more used to me as me alone and not as me & Jeff...I really want to go, to see these people I haven't seen in 7 years or more...and if I can't I'm going to be very dissappointed...I might just have to talk to my buddy about maybe getting together another weekend if this one doesn't work out...grrr...I hate waiting!!

I think I'm going to unearth Mom's desk number at work and see if she can talk for a moment....

Been a while...again...

OK...when I started this blog, it was at a friend's request and I told her I was no good at keeping up with these things...and I think my track record of posting once or twice a month has proven that true LOL...

SO! Since my last entry, we had Jeff's sombel (traditional Viking send off, lots of food, alcohol & people who loved him) and it went off wonderfully...that was two weeks ago. It was probably the hardest day I've ever had to get through, with so many people who cared for him coming and telling me how wonderful he was...there were so many people there that i pretty much only spoke to each person for a few minutes and then had to move on to the next group...I feel badly that I didn't spend more time with certain friends, or with the family members who traveled hours from other states, but what's done is done...

After that, I started NutraSystem. I started that this past Monday and as of this morning, I'm down 5 pounds. That's a good start as far as I'm concerned. I'm finding it difficult to eat everything they tell me I'm supposed to eat though...it's funny to me how much more I have to eat to lose weight...

And today was supposed to be my 7th wedding anniversary. I celebrated by doing some major on-line shopping for myself. New clothes, a couple bracelets, stuff that I know I will look good in, that I know I will use, that I normally wouldn't spend the money on (cause it's for me) but that Jeff always would try and push me to buy....and so now I get to wait for the boxes to start arriving!! That'll be fun, opening them and trying everything on.

In the last month, I've completed the two pillows I was making, and of course I mailed them to my friends without taking pictures of them....I've also been working on halter tops for the kids for summer, and I just started a baby set for one of my on-line mommy friends who is expecting her next mini in June...